 |
| Author | Post |
|---|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1563 |
|
Posted: Thu Aug 7th, 2008 11:43 am |
|
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room
fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the
last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the
professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor
was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The
other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine
and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The
Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers
who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole.
.............So, He sent me."
|
zippo
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Aug 5th, 2008 03:19 pm |
|
REDNECK CHURCH
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Aug 5th, 2008 01:09 pm |
|
marc wrote:
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?' 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front LMAO!!!
We had a gal at work that used to be a tank mechanic (climbed inside and worked on fuel tanks in the wing) She was "lacking" a little in the chest area and had one with "This End Up" on the front...
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Aug 5th, 2008 12:55 pm |
|
| A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?' 'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front
|
Fritz
Prospect
|
Posted: Sat Aug 2nd, 2008 07:08 pm |
|
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Tony, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Aug 2nd, 2008 03:02 pm |
|
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I
will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends
the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine
and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second
request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and
he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the
plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a
man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's
tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,looks him square
in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last
time . . . BRING POSSEEEE".
|
Fritz
Prospect
|
Posted: Sat Aug 2nd, 2008 03:40 am |
|
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the final planning stages. The Library will include:
The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.
The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.
The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location,complete with shotgun gallery.
The Strategic National Energy Policy Room currently under construction by OPEC/Carlyle Group, and done in total secrecy.
The Supreme Court's Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
http://www.lunaticsandliars.com/watch?v=d5cdb6f50f6c04b812b2d11cc93d8ded
|
zippo
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 05:21 pm |
|
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, there is a large German-speaking population. A farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuhen haben darin gescheissen.' (Translation: Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.)
The man shouted back: ' I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'
The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 05:18 pm |
|
A man is lying in bed with his girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she loves to do often.
Enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you enjoy doing that so much?
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Jul 31st, 2008 12:12 pm |
|
| LOL...Damn midgets are back again...
|
Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 894 |
|
Posted: Thu Jul 31st, 2008 11:09 am |
|
A male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine,
inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this,
she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department
and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks,
'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'Its Keith, the midget.'
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 12:10 pm |
|
"Bush Presidential Library"
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.
The Library will include:
The Hurricane Katrina Room - which is still under construction
The Alberto Gonzales Room - where you won't be able to remember anything
The Texas Air National Guard Room - where you don't even have to show up
The Walter Reed Hospital Room - where they don't let you in
The Guantanamo Bay Room - where they don't let you out
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - which no one has been able to find
The National Debt room - which is huge and has no ceiling
The Tax Cut Room - with entry only to the wealthy
The Economy Room - which is in the toilet
The Iraq War Room - after you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes a fifth tour
The Dick Cheney Room - in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery
The Environmental Conservation Room - still empty
The Supremes Gift Shop - where you can buy an election
The Airport Men's Room - where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators
The Decider Room - complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws
All cataloguing systems provided by AMDOCS.
The Armed Forces Reserve room, where all items are overdue.
The Chickenhawk meeting room, which has been gutted.
The Humanities Reading Room, which doesn't have a door.
The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.
Admission: Republicans free; Democrats -- $1000 or 3 Euros
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1563 |
|
Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 11:27 am |
|
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’ Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 12:21 am |
|
| Welp, that figures! Our delegates at large.. LOl
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 12:08 am |
|
"Is It NBA Or NFL?"
36
have been accused of spousal abuse
7
have been arrested for fraud
19
have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have directly or indirectly
bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3
have done time for assault
71,
cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit
14
have been arrested on drug-related charges
8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
Give
up yet? . . Scroll down,
Neither, it's the 435 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Jul 29th, 2008 04:21 pm |
|
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love how old people think ....)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Mon Jul 28th, 2008 05:51 pm |
|
empty wrote:
marc wrote: In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a Cajun were standing
side-by-side using the urinal.
The Accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally
scrubbing his hands.... clear up to his elbows.... he used 20 paper towels
before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, I
graduated from Ohio University and they taught us to be clean".
The Lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers,
grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Southern California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The Cajun zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated
from LSU and they taught us not to pee on our hands"
I know lots of LSU grads, therefore I don't believe a word that cajun said.
When I was in jet-engine school with the Navy in Memphis, there were a lot of Marines there. We used to screw with them all the time about that.
How we (Navy) knew better. Because our dads taught us not to piss on our hands...
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1563 |
|
Posted: Mon Jul 28th, 2008 04:42 pm |
|
marc wrote: In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a Cajun were standing
side-by-side using the urinal.
The Accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally
scrubbing his hands.... clear up to his elbows.... he used 20 paper towels
before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, I
graduated from Ohio University and they taught us to be clean".
The Lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers,
grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Southern California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The Cajun zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated
from LSU and they taught us not to pee on our hands"
I know lots of LSU grads, therefore I don't believe a word that cajun said.
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Mon Jul 28th, 2008 03:31 pm |
|
In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a Cajun were standing
side-by-side using the urinal.
The Accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally
scrubbing his hands.... clear up to his elbows.... he used 20 paper towels
before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, I
graduated from Ohio University and they taught us to be clean".
The Lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers,
grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Southern California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The Cajun zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated
from LSU and they taught us not to pee on our hands"
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1563 |
|
Posted: Fri Jul 25th, 2008 05:38 pm |
|
class=swbA man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘Its golf balls’. Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;
‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’
|
Current time is 07:51 pm | Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 ...   |
|
|
|
|
