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lytle
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jan 29th, 2012 11:56 pm |
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| And another true story?
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jan 29th, 2012 03:16 pm |
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Flying on Obama's private plane.
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy.
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 256 million people very happy.'
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 25th, 2012 04:25 pm |
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And that one was probably a true story..... Lol
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Ken
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Nov 1st, 2011 |
| Location: | Kansas USA |
| Posts: | 73 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Wed Jan 25th, 2012 11:46 am |
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chrysler's and voted for Obama."
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lytle
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jan 24th, 2012 12:33 pm |
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jan 24th, 2012 01:31 am |
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| Good one! LOL!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 21st, 2012 04:13 pm |
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A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless.
When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened.
The man explained and the zookeeper said, "I'm not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "F*¢k you."
The man vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla's cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage.
Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat.
The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on.
Then the man picked up his horn and blew it.
The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!
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lytle
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 14th, 2012 08:16 pm |
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| Yep get ride of all the shit !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 14th, 2012 06:14 pm |
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The Debt Ceiling explained:
Democrats and Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
Liberals and Conservatives don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
Allow an Independent to explain…
Let's say, you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood... and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do? Raise the ceilings or pump out the shit?
Your choice is coming next November. Don’t miss the opportunity.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Thu Jan 12th, 2012 03:24 pm |
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Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter,
Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'
'Why no,' he answers, ' I am Moses;
Mohamed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy
he climbs the ladder yet again.
He discovers a larger room where he meets an
angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again,
'Are you Mohamed?'
'No, I am Jesus, the Christ;
you will find Mohamed higher up.'
Mohamed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his
delightand climbs and climbs ever higher.
Once again, he reaches an even larger room
where he meets this truly magnificent looking man
with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega,
but you look exhausted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?'
Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out:
'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Dec 4th, 2011 05:58 pm |
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A MAN AND HIS EVER-NAGGING WIFE WENT ON VACATION IN JERUSALEM.
WHILE THEY WERE THERE, THE WIFE PASSED AWAY.
THE UNDERTAKER TOLD THE HUSBAND,
"YOU CAN HAVE HER BURIED HERE IN THE HOLY LAND FOR $150
OR WE CAN HAVE HER SHIPPED BACK HOME FOR $5,000.
THE HUSBAND THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND TOLD THE
UNDERTAKER HE WOULD HAVE HER SHIPPED BACK HOME.
THE UNDERTAKER ASKED HIM,
"WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $5,000 TO HAVE HER SHIPPED
HOME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BURIAL HERE,
AND IT WOULD ONLY COST $150?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED,
"LONG AGO, A MAN DIED HERE, WAS BURIED HERE,
AND THREE DAYS LATER, ROSE FROM THE DEAD.
I JUST CAN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE!"
Good one Marc! LOL...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Dec 4th, 2011 05:50 pm |
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A MAN AND HIS EVER-NAGGING WIFE WENT ON VACATION IN JERUSALEM.
WHILE THEY WERE THERE, THE WIFE PASSED AWAY.
THE UNDERTAKER TOLD THE HUSBAND,
"YOU CAN HAVE HER BURIED HERE IN THE HOLY LAND FOR $150
OR WE CAN HAVE HER SHIPPED BACK HOME FOR $5,000.
THE HUSBAND THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND TOLD THE
UNDERTAKER HE WOULD HAVE HER SHIPPED BACK HOME.
THE UNDERTAKER ASKED HIM,
"WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $5,000 TO HAVE HER SHIPPED
HOME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BURIAL HERE,
AND IT WOULD ONLY COST $150?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED,
"LONG AGO, A MAN DIED HERE, WAS BURIED HERE,
AND THREE DAYS LATER, ROSE FROM THE DEAD.
I JUST CAN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE!"
----------------------------------------------------------
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I
just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of
your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is
rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Dec 4th, 2011 12:19 am |
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Testicle Disorder
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained.
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
"Same illness, better health plan. "
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Nov 29th, 2011 12:58 am |
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Got this off another board...
Caution Ice
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends
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Ken
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Nov 1st, 2011 |
| Location: | Kansas USA |
| Posts: | 73 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Sat Nov 19th, 2011 06:08 pm |
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Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
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Ken
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Nov 1st, 2011 |
| Location: | Kansas USA |
| Posts: | 73 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Tue Nov 8th, 2011 03:26 am |
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After Daylight Savings Time ended... I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired elderly friend.
He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.
...
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
Moral of the story: take all the Sharpies away from your hearing impaired friends before Sunday.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 16th, 2011 11:09 pm |
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I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday .... minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me..
The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"
So, today... bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver..
[size= ]
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Aug 6th, 2011 07:11 pm |
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jeffy ole boy wrote:
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing [size=community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jul 28th, 2011 02:48 am |
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My daughter just walked into the living room and said,"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.
Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...
"Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Tue Jul 12th, 2011 11:14 am |
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marc wrote:
I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old
granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid.
I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose... Damn, she is a SMART kid...LMAO!
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