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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Feb 6th, 2005 02:09 am |
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Raising Boys - 25 key points to ponder
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 5th, 2005 02:52 pm |
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Last edited on Sat Feb 5th, 2005 02:55 pm by marc |
Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 5th, 2005 03:25 am |
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Wouldnt have bothered me...lol...has a bright purple suburban! 
We are all over in chat Dave...come over!
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 5th, 2005 03:13 am |
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ROTFLMAO!!
I used to date a girl and her mom had a old International pickup truck. Everyone always wanted to borrow it. Seems like she had it loaned out most of the time. Everyone always had something they wanted to haul... She got tired of it and didn't wanna be nasty about it or worry that anyone would think she was. So, she painted it bright pink!
Never had to worry about anyone wanting to borrow her truck again... LOL
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 5th, 2005 03:09 am |
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Yes Flowered tools exsist.......and I have my very own set!! LOL As well as an extra tape measure with flowers on it! See....at my shop...I carry a tape measure around...I use it all the time...and when I step outside to measure a truck/semi/car/whatever for graphics......guys tend to take my measuring tape away....lol I dunno...maybe they think I cant read it or something. There have been times where it goes right into their pocket......SOOOOO I figured what guy in their right mind will pick up a tape measurer with flowers plastered all over it??? And danged if I was right! They take one look at it, and wont touch it...let alone pocket it!
Had the same problem with my "house tools" I have 3 teenage boys and a Mikey....and they would take my tools from the house, and not bring them back...so I found(after much searching)a whole dang set with flowers all over!!! They dont touch em! hehe Bet any one of you wouldnt be caught dead hammerin away with my flowered hammer! hehe
Never thought I would grow up and wear a toolbelt or have a tape measurer hung on my side every day.....but if I am gonna do it....I am gonna do it girly like!
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 5th, 2005 03:03 am |
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Life in tech support...
Last edited on Sat Feb 5th, 2005 03:03 am by Dave |
Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 5th, 2005 12:43 am |
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Babe wrote:
I resent that one! I use REAL tools....mine just have flowers all over them! lol
FLOWERS? WTF? I've NEVER seen flowers on tools!! LOL... 
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 4th, 2005 09:51 pm |
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I resent that one! I use REAL tools....mine just have flowers all over them! lol
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Mikey
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 4th, 2005 09:34 pm |
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Ladies Toolbox
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 2nd, 2005 05:13 pm |
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1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why
Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study
revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton
spelled backward is "Not Now."
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view
of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the
fetus
is not considered viable until it graduates from
medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish
American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole
officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite
position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her
that her check came back, she replied, "So did my
arthritis."
8. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are
you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very
weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you
eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my
mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his
mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish
husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part."
10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his
wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I
don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a
Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't
eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and
a
Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
15. Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to
follow."
16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that
isn't 20% off.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Feb 1st, 2005 05:37 pm |
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Never smile when you ride!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 31st, 2005 05:40 pm |
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Now this is a real tragedy!
I may have posted this before.....LOL...
A three year old boy is taking a bath with his Mom. As he was examining his testicles he asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"
His Mommy replied, "Not yet, honey."
Last edited on Mon Jan 31st, 2005 05:50 pm by marc |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 29th, 2005 02:46 pm |
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Subject: New Drugs for Women
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge
to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share
their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Last edited on Sat Jan 29th, 2005 02:55 pm by marc |
Andy
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 29th, 2005 01:48 am |
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What is she eating??? Attachment: Bushgirls.jpg (Downloaded 123 times)
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 28th, 2005 06:03 pm |
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Bush FansThere's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan."
The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 22nd, 2005 01:15 pm |
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Ok, we were a little slow at work yesterday. So, reading the news on CNN, I found this story about SpongeBob...
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/20/sponge.bob.reut/index.html
One of the guys at work is a huge SpongeBob fan. I guess that happened when his 2 year-old daughter became a fan of the show. So, being the sensitive guys that we are in the department, with pretty much unlimited computer skills and vast resources. We came up with this.
http://mypages.championbroadband.com/vip/~dmiller/spongebob_cnn.htm
What are friends for? LOL
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 21st, 2005 06:44 pm |
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Redneck Hearse
Last edited on Fri Jan 21st, 2005 06:47 pm by marc |
Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 19th, 2005 02:38 pm |
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| I got 77 meters......and none puked on me! LOL
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Andy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 19th, 2005 01:49 pm |
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My drunk buddies usually puke on me when I try to get them home...
I feel so special...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 19th, 2005 01:28 am |
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| I'm a lousy drunk walker.
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