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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 11th, 2010 03:45 pm |
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THE AMISH ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,
'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your mother.'
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Mon Jan 11th, 2010 10:55 am |
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The wife was bending over the freezer looking for some chicken I think, she had on a short skirt that had ridden up.
I could just see her stocking tops and her tight little panties, well the sight was too much for me and I just had to do it.
So, I crept up behind her, pulled her panties to one side and slipped it in, then all hell let loose!!
Apparently you cant do that in Walmart
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Thu Jan 7th, 2010 12:12 pm |
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marc wrote:
"A Woman's Poem"
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
LMAO!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 7th, 2010 12:06 pm |
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"A Woman's Poem"
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 6th, 2010 12:10 pm |
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Two Woodpeckers...
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2010 03:16 pm |
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empty wrote: A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' LMAO!!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2010 03:04 pm |
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
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Vero Steve
Super Moderator
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Posted: Thu Dec 31st, 2009 12:57 pm |
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Dave wrote: Got to thinkin' about my mutt yesterday, I've had "Sasha" about 13.5 years now. She's gettin' a bit old & slow, gray in the muzzle area...
- She sleeps about 20 hours a day.
- She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her.
- She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
- She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.
- If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
- She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy SHIT, my dog is a democrat!
So are my kids...........................LOL
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Thu Dec 31st, 2009 12:19 pm |
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Got to thinkin' about my mutt yesterday, I've had "Sasha" about 13.5 years now. She's gettin' a bit old & slow, gray in the muzzle area...
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She sleeps about 20 hours a day.
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She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her.
-
She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
-
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.
-
If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
-
She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy SHIT, my dog is a democrat!
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Dec 30th, 2009 02:09 pm |
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[size= ]]Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on your face!!!!
This is truly second grade logic! I love it.
Undies
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's so good at them....
Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".
Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Dec 29th, 2009 02:57 pm |
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Good one! kinda morbid.... but funny.... 
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Tue Dec 29th, 2009 03:55 am |
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A touching story of love
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Bob, Ted and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Ted was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Ted managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Ted's resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Ted began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. . . . . . . .
So they buried Debbie.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Dec 27th, 2009 03:54 pm |
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A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohamed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohamed is higher up.' And, he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?
'No, I am Moses. Mohamed is higher still.
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?
'No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohamed higher up.
Mohamed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps, as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son . . . I am God. But, you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'
'Yes, please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'
Keep your trust in God . . . !!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Dec 26th, 2009 12:34 pm |
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"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
11. Your cousin is president of the United States
Thanks Jeff Foxworthy......
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Dec 16th, 2009 11:14 pm |
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A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'
'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license!'
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Dec 15th, 2009 09:38 pm |
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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Tue Dec 15th, 2009 04:06 pm |
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marc wrote:
A eskimoe family was traveling the country, somewhere in Alabama their car started leakin oil and over heating.They limped into a service station and the man said have a seat at the picnic table I'll have a look at your car.He returned awhile later and said "Y'all blew a seal" The eskimoe replies "yeah, so you f*ck sheep, what's wrong with my car" LMAO!
I was thinkin' of that joke earlier this mornin'....
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Dec 15th, 2009 01:37 pm |
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marc wrote: A eskimoe family was traveling the country, somewhere in Alabama their car started leakin oil and over heating.They limped into a service station and the man said have a seat at the picnic table I'll have a look at your car.He returned awhile later and said "Y'all blew a seal" The eskimoe replies "yeah, so you f*ck sheep, what's wrong with my car" LMAO!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Dec 15th, 2009 01:19 pm |
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| A eskimoe family was traveling the country, somewhere in Alabama their car started leakin oil and over heating.They limped into a service station and the man said have a seat at the picnic table I'll have a look at your car.He returned awhile later and said "Y'all blew a seal" The eskimoe replies "yeah, so you f*ck sheep, what's wrong with my car"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Dec 11th, 2009 03:18 pm |
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Wus da night
afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be
sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our
stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat Obama gunna
brang us our stimlus checks.
All of da family,
was layin' on da flo',
my sister wif her
gurlfriend, my brother wif some ho.
Ashtrays was
all full, empty beer cans and all
when I heared
such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, must be da
law".
I pulled the sheet off da window and what
I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a
warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say,
"Lawd look 'a dat!"
Dere was a huge watermelon,
pulled by eight big-ass rats.
Now ovah da years,
Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us
brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a
poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on
dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Biden, On
Jessie, On Pelosi and Hillary Who,
On Fannie,
On Freddie, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama
landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I
knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that
Sheet?
Dat Santy didn't need no chimley, he picked
da lock on my do',
an I sez to myself, "Son o'
bitch...he don did dis befo!"
He had a big bag,
full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air
Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun' my
neck.
But he left me no presents, just started
stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and
my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my shit in his bag,
out da windo' he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him,
but he snagged my blade too!
He jumped back on dat
melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two
seconds, da democrat sonofabitch.
So nex year I be
hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy
Claws, just ain't worf a shit!
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