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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2008 06:53 pm |
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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'
One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!' 'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled 'Their sign pertains to religion.'
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
'Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00.'
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2008 06:01 pm |
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| one day the LR comes up on tonto who is laying with his ear to the ground , LR says whats up , tonto says 4 horses , covered wagon , 2 people , LR says you can hear all that ? tonto says no, they ran over me 5 min ago.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2008 05:33 pm |
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> The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
> The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of
> the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
> you, I will grant you three requests.
>
>
> What is your first request?'
>
> The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
>
> The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
> Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
>
>
> Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
> back.
>
> As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
> spends the night.
>
> The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
>
>
> 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days.
> What is your second request?'
>
> The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
> and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
>
>
> As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
> horizon.
>
>
> Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
> with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
> Ranger's tent and spends the night.
>
> The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
>
> 'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What
> is your last request?'
>
> The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone! .'
>
> The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
> Ranger's tent.
>
> Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
> square in the eye and says,
>
>
> 'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING
> POSSEEEE'
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2008 01:40 pm |
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A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom Is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom,look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look papa, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy "
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"
To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2008 01:37 pm |
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On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Feb 17th, 2008 06:55 pm |
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"THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR"
FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
>>
>> Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
>> A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
>>
>> Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
>> A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
>>
>> Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
>> A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
>>
>> Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
>> A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
>> they take your house and car with them.
>>
>> Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
>> A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch..
>>
>> AND:
>>
>> Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
>> A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Feb 17th, 2008 05:23 pm |
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| ugly , imho.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Feb 17th, 2008 03:05 pm |
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Yeah...Richard Petty Cat Chopper...What a waste of $100,000.00...
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&viewitem=&item=260209799791#ebayphotohosting
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Abo
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 08:06 pm |
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Yet another Blind Biker Joke
A blind biker,hungry & thirsty, walks into a little pub and sits down.
The owner, Walks up to him and hands him menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up
a greasy fork.
He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind biker puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind biker eats and leaves.
Several days later, the blind biker returns and the owner mistakenly brings
him a menu again.
Sir, remember me? I'm the blind biker."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind biker.
After another deep breath, the blind biker says,
"That smells great. I'll take the corned beef & cabbage."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind biker is screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind biker comes in he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it
to the blind biker."
Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind biker walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready
for you."
The blind biker puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I didn't
know Gladys worked here!!!!"
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1634 |
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 07:32 pm |
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Randy in Pensacola wrote: weasle wrote: what do ya call a poodle with no legs? it dont matter he aint gonna come anyway.
Joe cartoon calls him LUMP....LOL
http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/148-lump_the_no_legged_dog
Joecartoon is one of the greatest ever. ...All the way back to 'frog in a blender'.
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 916 |
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 07:21 pm |
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weasle wrote: what do ya call a poodle with no legs? it dont matter he aint gonna come anyway.
Joe cartoon calls him LUMP....LOL
http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/148-lump_the_no_legged_dog
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 01:21 pm |
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weasle wrote:
what do ya call a poodle with no legs? it dont matter he aint gonna come anyway. Yeah, walkin' him is a real drag too...
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 12:59 pm |
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| what do ya call a poodle with no legs? it dont matter he aint gonna come anyway.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 11:02 am |
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What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A sponge.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 15th, 2008 04:19 pm |
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"The truth about elections"
While walking down the street one day a US senator is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you
settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official
around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in
heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds
himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance
is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and
other politicians
who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run
to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times
they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on
lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very
friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are
having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to
go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while
the elevator
rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on
heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing
the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
"Well, I would never have said it before, I mean
heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the
middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up
the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around
his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday
I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate
lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great
time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my
friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we
were campaigning...... Today you voted."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 15th, 2008 04:10 pm |
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Got this off another board...Not a joke but pretty good reading...
"As I've Matured..."
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 14th, 2008 07:40 pm |
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Why Parent's Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that
was addressed to
'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is
much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the
fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care
of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get
to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 14th, 2008 01:37 pm |
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Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger ' n me. We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down other side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one toopen the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment.' 'See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 14th, 2008 11:11 am |
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, if they're small enough.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Feb 10th, 2008 04:52 pm |
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Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When
the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need
to drink with the same one twice either."
The Redneck Girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45 and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she
says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we
don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless America!
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