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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 21st, 2010 01:20 pm |
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marc wrote: Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"
"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... And you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."
The boys perty smart, LOL!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 20th, 2010 10:40 pm |
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This may be a repeat...
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings . The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So our illustrious President asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
That would be a tragedy.."
"No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call a
great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched
the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"
"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... And you can bet your ass it's probably not an accident either."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 20th, 2010 06:17 pm |
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empty wrote:
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.
........ "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Must a been a Kentuckian girl.....
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
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Posted: Thu May 20th, 2010 06:14 pm |
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.
........ "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
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Posted: Thu May 20th, 2010 01:27 am |
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye..
She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?' Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 13th, 2010 05:30 pm |
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"Dumbass Humans"
The first space alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them aimed at themselves."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue May 11th, 2010 10:37 pm |
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| I know I am getting where I dislike mirrors alot myself...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue May 11th, 2010 10:31 pm |
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An older couple were sitting at a soda fountain when the husband says: "Hey hon, see that elderly couple at the end of the counter? That's probably what we'll look like in another 10 years." The wife says: "You do know that's a mirror, don't you!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun May 9th, 2010 03:30 pm |
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Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 6th, 2010 07:19 pm |
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Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender,
'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please.'
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful Country ... the history, the beer, the culture....'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim?
And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Apr 29th, 2010 09:45 pm |
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| ROTFLMAO...That is a keeper...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Apr 29th, 2010 08:38 pm |
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A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.
Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.
* "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
* "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
* "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
* And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Apr 28th, 2010 11:08 pm |
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A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister where having coffee one Saturday Morning and the discussion turned to what they did with the money from the collection plate.
The Priest said he drew a big circle on the floor and tossed all the money in the air. What landed in the circle was his and what landed outside the circle was the Lords.
The Minister said he did it about the same way. He drew a line on the floor and threw the money in the air. What landed on the right side of the line was his and what landed on the left was the Lords.
The Rabbi said he did it about the same. He tossed the money in the air and what stayed up was the Lords and what came down was his.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Apr 19th, 2010 05:18 pm |
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| What are the bumps around her nipple for ? Brail, suck here.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Apr 19th, 2010 05:16 pm |
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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Masturbate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Apr 13th, 2010 03:26 pm |
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empty wrote:
A Good Goat
A guy from Appalachia is arrested for bestiality. He goes to his friend to ask for help in getting a lawyer. The friend says, "Well, I know two lawyers-- the first one is slick as hell, and the second one knows how to pick a jury." The guy decides to hire the attorney who can pick a jury. The defendant is up on the witness stand being questioned by the prosecutor. "So, Clem, isn't it a fact that on the day in question, you had sexual intercourse with a goat, and when the officers arrived on the scene, the goat was licking off your genitals?"
One juror was overheard whispering to another, "A good goat'll do that."
They are on the endangered species list.... LOL!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 13th, 2010 03:14 pm |
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A Good Goat
A guy from Appalachia is arrested for bestiality. He goes to his friend to ask for help in getting a lawyer. The friend says, "Well, I know two lawyers-- the first one is slick as hell, and the second one knows how to pick a jury." The guy decides to hire the attorney who can pick a jury. The defendant is up on the witness stand being questioned by the prosecutor. "So, Clem, isn't it a fact that on the day in question, you had sexual intercourse with a goat, and when the officers arrived on the scene, the goat was licking off your genitals?"
One juror was overheard whispering to another, "A good goat'll do that."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Apr 6th, 2010 11:15 pm |
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"Harry Reid buys a car"
Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle. Harry looks around and finds one he likes. After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.
Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line. The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."
Harry says, "What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?"
The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make
payments for 4 years.....
THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan."
Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not
fair".
And I say without any doubt or embarrassment: NO JOKE, Sherlock!!!
Get with the program, Harry !!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 2nd, 2010 01:09 pm |
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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in -law a cemetery plot as a chrismas gift... The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, Well you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Wed Mar 31st, 2010 01:16 pm |
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marc wrote:
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something... If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I
was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
ROTFLMAO!!!
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