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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 11:41 am |
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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'There's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied.
'Where Do you think liberals come from.'
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 18th, 2008 08:23 pm |
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This is funny...
The Hillbilly Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was
expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to
go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama)
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10.
The hillbilly said, "Doc, I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, I'm a doctor," was the reply.
So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it into a
beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
(you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Arkansas, Tennesee, Kentucky,
Louisiana, North Carolina, Mississippi, Georgia, Missouri,
South Carolina, Texas and West Virginia.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 18th, 2008 04:39 pm |
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marc wrote:
Got this off another board...LOL...
"Free tickets!!!"
I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the Stadium this weekend if anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump 500 Politicians with a bulldozer.
Should be a good time!
LMAO!!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 18th, 2008 04:31 pm |
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Got this off another board...LOL...
"Free tickets!!!"
I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the Stadium this weekend if anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump 500 Politicians with a bulldozer.
Should be a good time!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Apr 13th, 2008 06:10 pm |
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Got this off another board...
"Bitch or Funny, or maybe sad?"
In order to continue getting-by in America we all need to learn the NEW English language!
Read the following conversation and you will be able to understand this new a addition "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in, so stick with it. Here goes..........
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old USA today...
Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh...Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: "...What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahm toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahm toes?"
Guest: "I... don't think so."
Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahm toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahm toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin wi bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "Wi bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea..meek?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said, "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "...and you do don't you! 
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Apr 10th, 2008 06:43 pm |
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Biker Mother of Six
A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He was so proud
that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a
lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they
went.
At end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you
ready to go home?"
His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Apr 9th, 2008 10:20 am |
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Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting About their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at My mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the remote and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 05:03 pm |
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So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this,
you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 05:53 pm |
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During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these 4
religious Truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 02:10 pm |
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LMAO! funny you can always tell the guys that have been married for along time by their behavior
marc wrote:
A couple was lying in bed one evening, when the Mrs. felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
'I found the remote', he mumbled.
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently..
Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.
85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'
"Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 02:01 pm |
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A couple was lying in bed one evening, when the Mrs. felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
'I found the remote', he mumbled.
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently..
Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.
85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'
"Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!! Last edited on Sun Apr 6th, 2008 02:06 pm by marc |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Apr 3rd, 2008 01:03 pm |
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LOL..Got this off another board...
"The 10 Commandments"
The Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 861 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 3rd, 2008 02:34 am |
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marc wrote: empty wrote: Yup, the supporter's private area from yesterday.
Duh...Pay attention Marc...LOL...Must be 1 of those weeks... Yup, they say the mind is the second thing to go....
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 861 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 3rd, 2008 02:33 am |
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marc wrote: empty wrote: Yup, the supporter's private area from yesterday.
Duh...Pay attention Marc...LOL...Must be 1 of those weeks... Yup, they say the mind is the second thing to go....
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Apr 3rd, 2008 12:55 am |
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empty wrote: Yup, the supporter's private area from yesterday.
Duh...Pay attention Marc...LOL...Must be 1 of those weeks...
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Wed Apr 2nd, 2008 07:50 pm |
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Yup, the supporter's private area from yesterday.
marc wrote:
Got this off another board...
"Semper Fi"
Top this for a speeding ticket
>
>
> Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
> enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar
>
> One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding
> vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
>
> The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300
> miles per hour. The officer tempted to reset the radar gun, but it would
> not reset and then turned off.
>
> Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that the radar had
> in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low
> flying exercise near the location.
>
> Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fire d off a complaint to
> the USMC Base Commander.
>
> The reply came back in true USMC style: Thank you for your letter. We can
> now complete the file on this incident.
>
> You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had
>
> detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile
> radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which
> is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the
> fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment
> location.
>
> Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation
> for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and
> was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was
> launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
>
> The pilot also suggests you cover your m ouths when cussing at them since
> the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
>
> Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his
> dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose.
> Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
>
> Thank you for your concern.
> Semper Fi.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Apr 2nd, 2008 06:43 pm |
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Got this off another board...
"Semper Fi"
Top this for a speeding ticket
>
>
> Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
> enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar
>
> One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding
> vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
>
> The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300
> miles per hour. The officer tempted to reset the radar gun, but it would
> not reset and then turned off.
>
> Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that the radar had
> in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low
> flying exercise near the location.
>
> Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fire d off a complaint to
> the USMC Base Commander.
>
> The reply came back in true USMC style: Thank you for your letter. We can
> now complete the file on this incident.
>
> You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had
>
> detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile
> radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which
> is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the
> fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment
> location.
>
> Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation
> for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and
> was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was
> launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
>
> The pilot also suggests you cover your m ouths when cussing at them since
> the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
>
> Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his
> dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose.
> Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
>
> Thank you for your concern.
> Semper Fi.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Apr 1st, 2008 09:31 pm |
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| Just proves we are different animals... LOL!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Apr 1st, 2008 08:32 pm |
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This was posted on another board and 1 of the ladies responded...LOL...Pretty funny...
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
Because they'd actually have to HAVE a mind in order to read one.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
That's the problem...you don't care if it's up - down or closed...you can and will piss ANYWHERE!
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Sunday is also 'Sale Day' at the mall... It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let me have the credit card. (Of course, WE could always do something together that doesn't require a stupid foam finger or a credit card....)
1. Crying is blackmail.
UNLESS it's YOUR fault. It's usually your fault.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
Do you mean like the time I specifically asked for that necklace that was on sale at Kays Jewelers for $99? The one I cut out the ad for AND showed you while we were at the mall? AND YOU STILL BOUGHT ME A $2000.00 set of pipes for YOUR BIKE?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Not when yes really means no and no really means yes...
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
UUmmm, YOU'RE usually the problem, our girlfriends already KNOW that...
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
That's a given. Last time I sent you to the store with a list of three items you came back with six....and NONE of the six were even on the list. We know all about your memory span.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
We know we're not fat, but since fishing is such a great thing for you guys we figure we can do a little 'fishing' of our own....
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
Sorta like the yes means no and no means yes rule????
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Who the Hell do you think does all this crap around here?
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. It's too hard to talk over the flipping of channels....
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
And his new route to the Indies ended how?
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Said the guy preening in the mirror for the past 20 minutes... BTW--why is my hair spray always empty???
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
And if it's scratched in front of our Mom, Grandma, co-workers, in church or any other place that makes people think we're married to a complete idiot, so if you itch we're gonna bitch. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Again-it's probably YOUR fault anyway, so you're probably NOT the one we wanna talk it over with anyway....
1. If you a ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
That is a two way street. We're only happy to oblige now that we know the rule.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
As long as it doesn't make other guys look at us too much...
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, motorsports or titties
There's always the hope of a miracle; maybe someday you actually have a REAL thought.
1. You have enough clothes.
Says the guy who wears jeans & a t-shirt to work, jeans & a t-shirt to church, jeans & a t-shirt to dinner, jeans & a t-shirt to weddings, jeans & a t-shirt to funerals... you get my drift????
1. You have too many shoes.
See above...insert 'boots' for jeans & a t-shirt....
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Some shapes give me a head ache... 'round' definately does...
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
That's all it takes to have the covers all to myself??? I wish you would have given me your rules a long time ago...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Mar 29th, 2008 03:00 pm |
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empty wrote: A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!" Big mistake! LMAO
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