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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Tue May 20th, 2008 02:07 pm |
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I've got 3 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 17th, 2008 12:49 pm |
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marc wrote:
"The best lawyer story of all times......"
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
Visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
Though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
Penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
Through the United Way ?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show
You that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
Medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled
Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his
Wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
Again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
Dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
Children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities
Requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had
No idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
You think I'd give any to you?
Damned Lawyers, 99-percent of 'em give the rest a bad name...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 17th, 2008 12:48 pm |
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Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go bra-less. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q : What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 17th, 2008 11:58 am |
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"The best lawyer story of all times......"
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
Visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
Though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
Penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
Through the United Way ?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show
You that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
Medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled
Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his
Wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
Again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
Dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
Children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities
Requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had
No idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
You think I'd give any to you?
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 17th, 2008 11:19 am |
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One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with an older black woman from New Orleans. The interviewee was asked if the complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied, 'I don't know about all those other peoples, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's.'
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 12:59 pm |
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Taxes . . .
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll ned to ask you a few questions. 'He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What's your occupation?'
'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, 'Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year!'
'Chicken Farmer it is.'
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 04:59 pm |
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New Treatment For Sunburn -
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun May 11th, 2008 05:00 pm |
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"Women Golfers"
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Wed May 7th, 2008 04:30 pm |
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Breaking News Story:
[size=
Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery early this morning. ]
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 3rd, 2008 02:16 pm |
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"So this guy walks into a sex shop..."
and asks the clerk for a sex doll....
Clerk: Male or female?
Guy: Female!
Clerk: White or black?
Guy: White!
Clerk: Christian or Muslim?
Guy: What the hell difference does religion make in this decision?
Clerk: Well, the Muslim model will blow itself up!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 2nd, 2008 07:38 pm |
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"This is my kind of document............."
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ __ a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs _____The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports page _____Chocolate or ______Sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 05:42 pm |
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"Best come back..........."
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you se e my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
(and I am sure the officer was thinking  )
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 01:44 pm |
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"Origin of the Species "
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"> >> > The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so> > all mankind was made."> >> > Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father> > answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."> >> > The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it> > possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and> > Papa says we developed from monkeys?"> >> > The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the> > origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Apr 26th, 2008 03:41 pm |
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"Announcement:"
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem
from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the
government's political stance.. A condom allows for inflation, halts
production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks,
and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Fri Apr 25th, 2008 05:09 pm |
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This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 25th, 2008 12:20 pm |
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Got this off another board...
"Environmental impact"
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be American.
CHEERS 
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Apr 24th, 2008 12:21 am |
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LOL...Don't ya love that mindless chit chat...
"Her & His Diary"
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Harley wouldn't start today..... but at least I got laid. 
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Wed Apr 23rd, 2008 11:45 am |
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Two farmers, one from North Dakota and one from South Dakota, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 22nd, 2008 11:12 pm |
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George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days.
They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .
W. went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Putin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there is a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows Vista."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 11:50 am |
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Dave wrote: A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'There's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied.
'Where Do you think liberals come from.' LOL!!!
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