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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 27th, 2011 10:37 am |
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ALABAMA VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, Washington, West Virginia and Washington DC
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Wed Jan 26th, 2011 12:30 pm |
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I know its an oldie. But, still pretty good...
The Stuttering Cat
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
Human beings are the only animals that stutter, she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
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empty
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
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Posted: Sat Jan 8th, 2011 03:53 pm |
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| Was the California Gov. attacked by a coyote? I know the second part of that 'joke' is true; http://www.kxan.com/dpp/news/strange/gov-perry-shoots-a-coyote-while-jogging
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 8th, 2011 02:41 pm |
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[size=The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the
State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8 The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re:
the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.
Texas :
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps
jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.]
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empty
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
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Posted: Wed Jan 5th, 2011 11:33 am |
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[size=Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr. old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day, he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty old bike with a bent wheel, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!
]
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Dec 21st, 2010 12:46 am |
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From another board...funny...
"Romance Novel Material"
He Grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Ma’am," said a voice, "All done."
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse, a TSA agent. "You can board your flight now."
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empty
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Posted: Mon Dec 20th, 2010 01:33 pm |
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During Church service, the pastor asked if anyone would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, 'I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife once again, the word is sternum.'
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Dec 19th, 2010 01:41 pm |
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ROTFLMAO!!
That last one was funny~
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Sun Dec 19th, 2010 12:47 pm |
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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was...
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on..
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet!"
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Fri Dec 17th, 2010 01:19 pm |
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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
She says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99".
The old guy obeys and says "99".
The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99".
Again, the old guy says, "99".
The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99".
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three ..."
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empty
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| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
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Posted: Fri Dec 17th, 2010 12:33 pm |
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While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Fri Dec 17th, 2010 12:10 pm |
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empty wrote:
I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love I thought to myself, "These taser guns sure are well worth the money." Sorta reminds me of this...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Dec 16th, 2010 10:47 pm |
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empty wrote: I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love I thought to myself, "These taser guns sure are well worth the money." LOL! quite a versatile gun afterall. First gun I ever heard of that delivers pleasure instead of pain..
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empty
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| Posts: | 1618 |
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Posted: Thu Dec 16th, 2010 10:17 pm |
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| I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love I thought to myself, "These taser guns sure are well worth the money."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
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Posted: Thu Dec 16th, 2010 02:07 am |
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| Amid the Wikileaks debacle, I have a solution. Going forward, all U.S. classified documents should be kept in the same filing cabinet as President Obama's college transcripts and birth certificate. Problem solved!
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Dec 15th, 2010 02:11 pm |
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| That was very appropriate timing Dave..... LMAO!!
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Wed Dec 15th, 2010 01:33 pm |
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jeffy ole boy wrote:
Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases:
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Great spot to plug in this picture I got in an email this morning... 
Attachment: image.gif (Downloaded 130 times)
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Dec 15th, 2010 01:29 pm |
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Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases:
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Nov 24th, 2010 09:36 pm |
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Dave wrote: A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says."We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way." LOL!! that worked just like a charm.....
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Wed Nov 24th, 2010 09:30 pm |
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says."We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
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