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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jun 20th, 2008 06:50 pm |
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zippo wrote:
Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher
Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:
"I have outlived my dick."
LMAO!!!
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jun 20th, 2008 03:56 pm |
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Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher
Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:
"I have outlived my dick."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jun 16th, 2008 08:58 pm |
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative, macho fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.
He walks up to him and says, ''I didn't know you were into earrings.''
''Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,'' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, ''So, how long have you been wearing one?''
''Ever since my wife found it in my truck
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jun 14th, 2008 02:12 pm |
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1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I was Catholic, ex-Wife thought I was Satan...LOL
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jun 14th, 2008 02:09 pm |
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"29 lines to make U smile"
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5... Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Fri Jun 13th, 2008 01:45 am |
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A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in
the mirror.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me that I have
the breasts of a 25 year old.
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old
ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jun 12th, 2008 04:50 pm |
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Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs(A Political Fable)
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White beg an calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone any one there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . . ... 'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Tue Jun 10th, 2008 03:44 pm |
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In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building
to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign
to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed
right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it
burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the
bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect
actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any
connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At
the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but
as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the
power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jun 8th, 2008 07:24 pm |
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| And that was no doubt a true story......LOL!!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Sun Jun 8th, 2008 05:52 pm |
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A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African "bush tribe" whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight
stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-
weight procedure?
'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,'How is our little
"tribal experiment" coming along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No, it's turned black.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jun 8th, 2008 12:28 am |
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"Drug Sniffin' Dog"
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'.
'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'. Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place. The first man is really amazed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.!!!'
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 06:36 pm |
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"An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Wed Jun 4th, 2008 07:24 pm |
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The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of
a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it
all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says
to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand,
I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture
and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the
cheering subsides
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know
that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in
the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display
like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and
they will forever speak of
this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of
your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jun 3rd, 2008 04:30 pm |
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| One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the> trail and tripped over a large snake and fell,> kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.> > 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't> mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'> > 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake.> 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip> you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.> By the way, what kind of animal are you?'> > 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.> 'I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me> and find out.> > So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he> said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have> long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear> twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'> > The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But> by the way, what kind of animal are you?' The snake> replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny> agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was> finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an> animal am I?'> > The bunny replied to the snake, 'You're cold,> you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You> must be a POLITICIAN.>
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1496 |
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Posted: Tue Jun 3rd, 2008 03:43 pm |
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a
small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again
the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an
elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on
for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate,' he stated.
'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give some
of it to the church'
The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure
you can afford this? How much does he send you?'
The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'
The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for
a living?'
'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession,
but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does
he practice?'
The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in
Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jun 2nd, 2008 11:56 am |
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Got this off another board...
"Butch the Rooster"
Farmer Jim was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Jim could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells
The farmer's favorite rooster was Old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But! On this particular morning Jim noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! Jim went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer Jim's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Jim was so proud of Old Butch, he entered him in the Chicago Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded Old Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize", but they awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Old Butch was a "politician in the making"; who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly-coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jun 1st, 2008 12:18 am |
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| Blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog.He tosses it it up in the air and starts swinging it in big circles over his head.The bouncer rushes up and asks him what the heck he thinks he's doing.Guys says,"Oh...just looking around."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 31st, 2008 10:40 am |
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How the fight started...
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy Cow, That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband.!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And that folks............is how the fight started.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 30th, 2008 09:39 pm |
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A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour
when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink,
gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing
stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't
think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't
do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so
my boss fired me.'
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have
any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in
bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life,
and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 24th, 2008 08:44 pm |
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Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well…, I…I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"
"Uhh…is Dorothy here?"
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