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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jul 12th, 2011 10:36 am |
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I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old
granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid.
I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 13th, 2011 01:25 am |
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| Keep em from rolling out of bed too...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2011 10:41 pm |
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| Good one Steve..LOL!
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Vero Steve
Super Moderator
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2011 01:37 pm |
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A guy fell asleep on the beach in Florida for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied,
'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
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Vero Steve
Super Moderator
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2011 01:36 pm |
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'To Your house!'
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Apr 5th, 2011 12:45 pm |
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| ROTFL>... That last one was a good one! Good for the bull anyway, LOL!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Apr 5th, 2011 10:39 am |
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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 1st, 2011 01:36 am |
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A man is sitting at home on the patio with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: --silence --
HUSBAND: "Damn."
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Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Mar 20th, 2011 06:48 pm |
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Mar 9th, 2011 12:45 pm |
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marc wrote: 6 REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN
You can trade in an old 45 for a 22
You can admire a friends gun & he'll let you try it out
Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo
Guns function normally 'everyday'
A Gun doesnt mind if you go to sleep after you use it
And the number one reason men Prefer guns to women........
YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN ! Aren't guns great! 
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Mar 9th, 2011 01:40 am |
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6 REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN
You can trade in an old 45 for a 22
You can admire a friends gun & he'll let you try it out
Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo
Guns function normally 'everyday'
A Gun doesnt mind if you go to sleep after you use it
And the number one reason men Prefer guns to women........
YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN !
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Fri Feb 11th, 2011 01:07 pm |
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A man calls his wife from ER...man: Honey, I lost my finger at work today.
wife: The whole finger !?!?
man: No, the one right next to it...
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Thu Feb 10th, 2011 11:52 am |
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Paula was watching a cooking program on TV the other day. I said "What you watching that for?, you can't cook."
She said "You watch porn."
Bitch...
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1618 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Wed Feb 9th, 2011 07:18 pm |
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A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing quite well.
He says Prophets are going through the roof.
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Tue Feb 8th, 2011 01:19 pm |
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Got this from a friend on another board...
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that "This must be a Republican truck."
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. Damn guy had no sense of humor...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Feb 8th, 2011 01:23 am |
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THE WOMAN POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Will p ull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
THE MAN POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 4th, 2011 12:20 am |
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| LOL...Fixed it...
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weasle1
Supporter
| Joined: | Sun Sep 21st, 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 741 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Thu Feb 3rd, 2011 03:05 pm |
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calm down their marc yer repeatin yourself .
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 3rd, 2011 01:50 am |
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Subject: THREE HOLY MEN AND A BEAR
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and Confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.
The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start!"
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DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
“Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 28th, 2011 01:29 am |
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| Thats was a good one..... ROTFL!!
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