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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 10:25 am |
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 19th, 2008 03:46 pm |
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Gynecologist's Assistant Opening
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes and visits the office to learn more.
'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The person behind he desk sorts through his files and replies, 'Oh yes here it is'... The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair; then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job is ?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is!'
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2008 02:07 pm |
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A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2008 10:38 am |
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A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 01:54 am |
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TRADITIONAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplie s for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries
when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the
news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has
the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry
King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer! The ant is fined for failing
to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and having nothing left to
pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of
federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed and a jury chosen from list of single parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to
be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't do anything
to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house,
now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once
peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY
Be very careful how you vote in 2008
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 9th, 2008 06:25 pm |
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Smart Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 5th, 2008 09:12 pm |
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Grandma's Advice
My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take to the store on Brunswick Street, the
quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing
the sidewalk..
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the
crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that
one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman
with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
She answered in her soft voice.. "Makes your dick look bigger."
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 5th, 2008 08:20 pm |
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went-- 'bang, bang'.' 'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 5th, 2008 03:29 pm |
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"Go figure .."
Why The Chinese Always Kick Our Ass In Mathematics and Physics . . . . .
Class Photo: Shanghai University
Class Photo: University of Colorado
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 5th, 2008 03:18 pm |
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Got this off another board...
"The Top Male Biker Turnoffs"
Turnoff #1:
Hairiness or Lack There Of. As a general rule we men like arm pits shaved and clean smelling woman. Take care of your box, and I'll take care of you. If you trounce into bed with braided underarm hair, looking and smelling like BigFoot - expect to sleep alone, in the garage. On the other hand, NO Bald pussies, unless we ask. If we wanted a little girl - we'd replace you with the babysitter.
Turnoff #2:
Stop bitching about the empty seat behind me. The fucker was put there for you!! And if your now fat ass can't fit on it, too bad.
But don't crawl up my ass because it's there! Loose the weight, and climb back on, or shut the fuck up!. I don't put no one else there.
It don't fit no other bitch ! (See turnoff # 4)
Turnoff #3:
Head or Not. Listen if you started off this relationship with a blow job that blew my fuckin mind and changed day into night; don't expect me to quit asking for it now. We like head, it makes us happy, deal with it.
Turnoff #4:
The Titty Flops. Men like strippers, we are very visual. We need lots of stimulation. If you built a bar in the living room, and a pole, and served me fresh beer naked, with the rest of your lady friends..... I still wouldn't be there! The thought of Large Marge, and Cruella naked does NOTHING for me!
Turnoff #5:
Talking. I get that you have more to say than I do. I get that you have this uncontrollable need to talk about EVERYTHING, including F E E L I N G S. Just shut up once in a while. Ok? Yeah I have them, but I just don't want to T A L K about them, OK? (Now back to Turnoff #3)
Turnoff #6:
What the fuck was that? You say "get inventive, and put a little more into our relationship". OK..... I thought about it, we been together almost ...ugh.....well. .....ok ...what ever, yer here, I'm here...and I turn you over and pull down yer pants - and YOU yelled at me! So what if the kitchen curtains was open? YOU used to HOWL at the moon with me on lots of nights - there was no kitchen involved what so ever there. Could you please, be fucking specific with me?
Turnoff #7:
Again? Why didn't you TELL me you wanted something for E V E R Y birthday, anniversary, and Christmas? I thought ...if I did it once, you would reward me - good for me! But now yer pissed off 'cause I am inconsiderate? ? you didn't like the wilted flowers and the half a cheesecake fer yer birthday? well I had them in the saddlebags all frigin day! YES, I did think about you! wait a minute...do I get head E V E R Y time I'm a good boy ?...?? **Light goes on....Mice run the squeaky wheel**??... WHY the fuck didn't you tell me this 5 years ago?!?! !!See rule # 6 again!!
Turnoff #7:
I spent the day cleaning. Look if I spent the morning cleaning and polishing the bike - you don't think I want to take the trash out, or cut the grass after that do you? Woman are you out of your mind?? I am going to run down to the corner and meet my Brothers, then we have some business to take care of. So what if I didn't come home till 11pm that night - it was a lot of buisness! Who called? and said I was where? no I got a story and that's it even if I talk in my sleep, or tell on myself 6 months down the road...that' s my story.
Turnoff #8:
The Brothers. Just don't go there, just don't. I like you best. You got the house, the animals, the rugrats, TVs, surround sound, cleaning , cooking, and a new snow blower. You get to clean and polish the bike, you will never get the front seat so deal with it. You get to take out the trash when I don't feel like it, and scoop the animals shit.......Oh yeah, and what ever the fuck else is in the house, the yard, the garage is yours to take care of. Keep yer mouth their too. No matter what I say about any of it or talk about in my sleep - don't disagree, don't question it, don't drag yer feet.... you don't want to go to another event, or swap meet, don't tell me you don't care for any of my Brothers - I don't frickin care..... Say what the fuck ever you want in your domain, I expect that - else I'D know something's up...but The Brothers, uh ugh....no no no. Hey! can we talk about rule number 3 again?? huh? can we?
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 4th, 2008 12:48 pm |
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They used to be a PITA DAVE. I owned a '79 FLH Bagger and back then the lids would fly off going down the road if you didn't have em latched real good.. LMAO.. and they were not easily detachable like the ones now.....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 4th, 2008 10:30 am |
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Cool...
I thought that they were more of PITA than that...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 09:00 pm |
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Dave wrote: Yeah, but the way it sounds now, you're gonna have to pull the bags back off. Did you already have 'em off? Yeah there a snap to take on and off-- just pull 2 pins in each hard bag and they pop out.. The biggest thing was the exhaust, had it completely off in order to get to the screws on on the lower part of the Cam cover.....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 08:48 pm |
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| Yeah, but the way it sounds now, you're gonna have to pull the bags back off. Did you already have 'em off?
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 08:05 pm |
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Dave wrote: Don't wash mine much. I might wipe it down once in awhile...LOL
But, when I got it back from gettin' the engine rebuilt, the indy washed it up and had it lookin' good.
Even when I got it back from 'em after servicing it Saturday, it was cleaner than when I dropped it off... My bud Ben who did the install of my cams here recently was on me the whole time it was down----"Jeff you otta get in there and shine that thing while you got the bags off" He mentioned this more than once, LOL!! I told him, I aint worried right now about it Ben, Just fix the motor... Got all Winter to shine it! 
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 07:55 pm |
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Don't wash mine much. I might wipe it down once in awhile...LOL
But, when I got it back from gettin' the engine rebuilt, the indy washed it up and had it lookin' good.
Even when I got it back from 'em after servicing it Saturday, it was cleaner than when I dropped it off...
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 06:53 pm |
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Dave wrote: . Not too many of us here anymore that have the easy access to the fork-tubes like the fxr,s.
shame on these guys fer buyin them big fancy motor sicles they cant work on , LMAO.
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 06:48 pm |
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| the dealer in monroeville, roaders hd , wash yor bike if you take it in for service or have a up grade, as part of the service. depending on how often i get rained on , i wash mine about 1 a mo.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 05:52 pm |
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Dave wrote: One of the prices they listed was "Washing a bike". That was one I couldn't believe.
People actually washing their bikes is one thing. But, paying someone else, let alone a dealer to do it??
How pathetic...My $0.02...I don't mind washing my bike...Just grab a few cold 1's and turn on the music...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 05:17 pm |
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Hey Weasle, gotta remember how much of PITA is it to change fork oil on a bagger with all the sheetmetal they have around the top of the forks. Not too many of us here anymore that have the easy access to the fork-tubes like our FXRs have...
Reminds me - Reading back through this to where Weasle brought up the "Deal" on an oil change...
I remember when I was in the stealer to get my end-play set on new rear wheel bearing about a year ago, they had a price list on the wall. One of the prices they listed was "Washing a bike". That was one I couldn't believe.
People actually washing their bikes is one thing. But, paying someone else, let alone a dealer to do it??
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