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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 04:48 pm |
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LOL...From another board...
"KFC has done it again!!"
KFC just announced an addition to their chicken dinners.
It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket.
It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 6th, 2009 04:18 pm |
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Dave was attending his hunting club's monthly meeting and had just told
them he couldn't make the hunting trip scheduled for the next day
because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
hunting buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.
When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
should be there but Dave sitting in front of his tent, beer in hand,
camp oven roast stewing away on a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with
a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and
covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
So here I am!
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Tue Nov 3rd, 2009 07:03 pm |
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THE LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Nov 3rd, 2009 12:33 pm |
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empty wrote: The government announced today that it is changing its
emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the
government’s political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
It just doesn’t get more accurate than that! So true... Right on! LMAO.....
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Tue Nov 3rd, 2009 12:21 pm |
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The government announced today that it is changing its
emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the
government’s political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
It just doesn’t get more accurate than that!
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 30th, 2009 01:50 pm |
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> The Cork ........
>
> Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their
> bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in
> his
> butt.
>
> If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very
> uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
>
> I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab.
>
> "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
>
> "I do not understand," said the other.
>
> The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over
> an
> oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke,
>
> And then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard
> and
> top hat came boiling out. He said,
>
> "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
>
> I said, "No shit?"
>
> God Bless America!
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Fri Oct 30th, 2009 03:19 am |
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
As the husband puts a gun to the naked man's head, the wife shouts,
'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and
HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass back up with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Sat Oct 24th, 2009 10:21 am |
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Two Mexican guys are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden ...
'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell.. Ees bacon.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee…'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree..' 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon.... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that ... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.
'Jose... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree..'
'Luis, Luis mi amigo.... what ees it?
'Jose ... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees…
.
Ees…
.
Ees…
.
Eees a ham bush!!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
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Posted: Mon Oct 19th, 2009 04:04 pm |
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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so It couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 8th, 2009 08:26 pm |
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Luv that last one..... That last one reminds me of throwing a hot twisted up snickers bar in a crowded swimming pool.... LMAO Empty wrote : 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" Doubt there'd be many picker uppers.....
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
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Offline
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Posted: Thu Oct 8th, 2009 05:24 pm |
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Things to do in a bathroom stall...
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Wed Oct 7th, 2009 09:11 pm |
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| I just paid $1000 for a sheepskin rug, ya think I got fleeced?
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 7th, 2009 06:58 pm |
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them...
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's gonna run for Congress."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Tue Oct 6th, 2009 11:50 am |
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A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, " Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
The passenger said, "Who?"
The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."
The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood."
The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."
The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."
The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"
The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Mon Oct 5th, 2009 05:57 pm |
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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
When I was workin' on trucks, we had this old cab-over Peterbilt. One day I got a call from the driver. He was about 50 miles out and the power steering pump had shit the bed. So, I grab my "road-box" and jump in a Ford tractor we had. Figured if I couldn't sort it out on the spot, I'd bring the Pete back.
Well, I got out to where he was and jacked the cab up and over.
No power steering installed on the Pete! Driver wouldn't believe me either. Said he driven it hundreds of times and it always had power steering before. LMAO!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
| Status: |
Offline
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Posted: Mon Oct 5th, 2009 05:00 pm |
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"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 02:52 am |
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Two Woodpeckers..........
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Thu Oct 1st, 2009 03:37 am |
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A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Sep 30th, 2009 06:10 pm |
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Aint that the truth! LOL.....
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Vero Steve
Super Moderator
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Posted: Wed Sep 30th, 2009 12:04 pm |
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THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
This one is a little different...
Two Different Versions! .................
Two Different Morals!
OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home
with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody
cries when they sing,
'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house
where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'
Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for
the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King
that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both
call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his
home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits
of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just
happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he
doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders
who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.The moral of the story...be careful how you Vote
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