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empty
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
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Posted: Tue Dec 8th, 2009 01:48 pm |
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A biker has been in a small town in the Midwest for two weeks when he begins to miss his wife. After another two weeks, he just can't stand it anymore. He decides to visit a brothel in town.
He goes up to the madam and says, "Here is a hundred dollars. Give me the worst blow job in the house."
"But sir," says the madam, "For a hundred dollars, you don't have a settle for the worst blow job. As a matter of fact, you could get the best."
"No, no," says the man, "you don't understand. I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Mon Dec 7th, 2009 12:48 pm |
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Got this in an email. Thought I'd pass it on...
An old lady's letter to God...
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Dec 5th, 2009 08:07 pm |
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Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years"
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Dec 5th, 2009 12:32 pm |
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In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to do their own study.. After three years of research and $250,000.00, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Oklahoma, unsatisfied with these findings, spent $13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of Coors) and concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Fri Dec 4th, 2009 04:03 pm |
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His Black/Asian background really shows here...
Like a Black man, he drives a Cadillac
And
Like an Asian, he can't drive for shit...
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
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Posted: Fri Dec 4th, 2009 03:16 pm |
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marc wrote: What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Headline from another UK paper:
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant"
Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.
Tiger and his wife were out clubbing in the late hours.
Why is Tiger like a baby seal? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Dec 4th, 2009 12:28 pm |
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What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Headline from another UK paper:
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant"
Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 02:39 pm |
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marc wrote: One my wedding night I walked into the 5 star hotel, straight up to the reservation counter and loudly exclaimed, "This is my wedding night and I want the best suite you have!"
To which the clerk promptly replied, "Yes sir, right away sir. Would you like the bridal?"
After pondering for a moment I replied, "No that's okay, I will hold her by the ears until she gets used to it." ROTFL>... Damn you guys got some good ones this mornin' 
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 12:45 pm |
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One my wedding night I walked into the 5 star hotel, straight up to the reservation counter and loudly exclaimed, "This is my wedding night and I want the best suite you have!"
To which the clerk promptly replied, "Yes sir, right away sir. Would you like the bridal?"
After pondering for a moment I replied, "No that's okay, I will hold her by the ears until she gets used to it."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 11:45 am |
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Dave wrote: Terrible Day ......
Roy, who was an Undertaker, came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife."
"I had a terrible day," replies Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
Roy : "Wrong room." LMAO!!
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 02:42 am |
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Terrible Day ......
Roy, who was an Undertaker, came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife."
"I had a terrible day," replies Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
Roy : "Wrong room."
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empty
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
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Posted: Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 05:55 pm |
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A kid straight out of highschool is interviewing for a job at a blacksmith shop.
Blacksmith: "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
kid: "No, but I scared the crap out of a mule once."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1635 |
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Posted: Tue Dec 1st, 2009 01:27 pm |
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A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Nov 28th, 2009 02:16 pm |
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| I like that one..... lol!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Nov 28th, 2009 12:01 am |
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A little girl was riding her bike through the park when a policman on a horse rode by. He looked down at the little girl and asked if Santa had gotten her the pretty new bike for Christmas. She answered, why yes he did. To that the policeman answered that it was too bad Santa didn't know bikes were required to have licenses and that he was going to have to write her a ticket. After giving her the ticket, the little girl looked up at him and asked if Santa had gotten him that horse for Christmas. To that he smiled and answered, why yes he did. The little girl looked at him and said, next time you see Santa you should tell him the dick is supposed to be under the horse.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Nov 22nd, 2009 01:04 pm |
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"So it's your first kiss...."
Several questions might come to mind?
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
And the big question...
Should you use some tongue?
Then you lean in and just go for it!!!
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Fri Nov 20th, 2009 01:35 am |
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jeffy ole boy wrote:
PREGNANT TURKEY STORY
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!"At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep...SHE'S BLONDE! Thats GREAT!!!!
ROTFLMAO!!!
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 10:24 pm |
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PREGNANT TURKEY STORY
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!"At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep...SHE'S BLONDE!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Nov 17th, 2009 04:30 pm |
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'
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Dave
Super Moderator
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Posted: Sat Nov 14th, 2009 02:48 pm |
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Too good not to share. From another board...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
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